Trouble In Paradise
by Adarian
Summary: AU: Hawke and company are part of a military surgical unit serving in Kirkwall. Conflict comes to the camp as a patient refuses to be treated by a mage. Written as a parody of a M*A*S*H* episode in response to a suggestion on the kinkmeme.


Opening Credits

[Theme song begins: "Suicide is Painless"]

[Helicopters are flying overhead and coming down onto the scene]

[Varric, Anders, and Fenris are running in slow motion up the hill, allowing their bodies to jiggle slightly in front of the camera]

[F! Hawke in a Hawaiian shirt looking with concern into the side of the helicopter]

[Obviously later cut in shot of Aveline looking in and nodding appreciatively. Her hair is significantly longer than in the previous season]

[Theme song ends]

Trouble in Paradise

INT-Women's Showers

AVELINE and HAWKE are showering while shivering.

HAWKE

I thought Kirkwall was supposed to be warmer than Ferelden. We seem to have had seven winters in the two years we've been here!

MERRILL walks in through the door, her small glasses steaming

MERRILL

Maams! Colonel Varric would like to see you in his office when you're finished showering.

AVELINE

I told you that drinking all his Orleasian wine was a bad idea.

HAWKE

He took away my still, what else was I supposed to do?

[canned laugh track]

INT-Varric's office

VARRIC has his feet up on his desk, looking lovingly up at a photo of a crossbow.

VARRIC

Oh, Bianca my love. One day we shall be together again. Someday the military will let me use non-regulated firearms.

[canned laugh track]

HAWKE and AVELINE enter the office.

VARRIC

Good, you're here. I have something I need to talk to you about. There's been some news coming in from Val Royeaux. Merrill!

MERRILL enters and salutes, answering Varric's questions mid-sentence in a way that is incomprehensible to anyone else except the two of them. MERRILL pauses and her ears perk up.

MERRILL

Choppers!

Less than a moment later, the rest hear the noise and rush outside.

EXT-Triage Outside the Operating Room

ANDERS is standing over a bleeding soldier, ISABELA beside him.

ANDERS

Bullet through the right chin, stable enough for now. Get the wound cleaned and put him with the others.

ANDERS moves over to an elven soldier, FENRIS, lying in a stretcher.

ANDERS

Compound fracture of the right arm. Stabilize the bone and-

ISABELA is busy winking at the elf

[canned laugh track]

ISABELA

Trust me, I think I can do that

[canned laugh track]

ANDERS sighs and continues, ISABELA following behind him as she purposely wiggles her bottom at the patient.

[canned laugh track]

INT-Ready Room outside OR

ANDERS and HAWKE are removing their surgical gowns, both trying not to catch a glimpse of the other one without clothes.

HAWKE and ANDERS' eyes meet and they smile a bit.

[AWWWWWWW]

MERRILL enters and they turn from each other immediately.

MERRILL

Captain Hawke, the colonel still needs to see you in his office.

HAWKE [frustrated]

Can't it wait, Corporal?

MERRILL

He says it's very urgent.

HAWKE looks longingly at Anders who has gone back to stripping off his clothes

HAWKE [muttering]

Damn it, Merrill.

[canned laugh track]

INT-Varric's office

VARRIC is in midst of telling ISABELA a story but immediately stops as HAWKE enters the room.

ISABELA sashays out of the room.

VARRIC

Good. Hawke, we need to talk.

HAWKE

I'm flattered, but I don't want to make Bianca jealous

[canned laugh track]

VARRIC

It's the chest hair, isn't it?

[canned laugh track]

VARRIC

Seriously now, sit down.

HAWKE does so. Varric pours them both a glass of Antivan Brandy.

VARRIC

Now, Hawke. I've heard word from the front lines about that stunt you pulled yesterday. You know not to mess with the Special Task Forces. It's hard enough fighting this war without infighting in the army.

HAWKE

I don't know what you're talking about.

VARRIC

I heard you helped one of them get a Section 8 release by…what was it?

HAWKE

Putting him in a dress and getting him to dance the Remigold

[canned laugh track]

VARRIC

You can't just put a Templar in a dress to get him dismissed.

HAWKE

It did seem to work rather well. I thought he looked quite fetching.

[canned laugh track]

VARRIC

Believe me, none of us want to be here, but you can't just keep doing stunts like this just to piss off the Commander of the Special Task Forces. Especially after last week when you got drunk off my wine and then stole Commander Meredith's underwear.

[canned laugh track]

HAWKE

To be fair, I think that one was Anders' idea.

[canned laugh track]

VARRIC

Until you start behaving, I'm not giving you your still back.

HAWKE

But how will Aveline and I do our nightly toasts to your health?

[canned laugh track]

VARRIC

I'm sure you'll manage.

[canned laugh track]

INT-Post OP

ANDERS is making his rounds with MERRILL behind him taking notes. He turns around to look at her clipboard.

ANDERS

Is that just a field of daisies?

[canned laugh track]

MERRILL brings the clipboard up to her chest to hide it.

MERRILL

I don't know what you're talking about.

[canned laugh track]

ANDERS comes to the bedside of FENRIS, who looks up at him sleepily.

ANDERS

Hello, Lieutenant. Let's just see how that arm of yours is doing now.

ANDERS picks up Fenris' arm and makes a face at seeing the wound.

ANDERS

Slight bacterial infection. I'll just clean that out now. Mark it down in the chart, beside that tulip.

[canned laugh track]

ANDERS casts a healing spell on FENRIS' arm and the elf reaches up and slaps him with his good arm.

ANDERS is in shock and pulls back.

FENRIS

No filthy mage will touch me. I want a real doctor.

[Oooooh]

ANDERS

You didn't seem to care when you were on my operating table and I saved your life. Maybe I should have just let you bleed to death instead?

HAWKE enters from the left.

ANDERS

Hawke, why don't you deal with our lovely patient here since he only wants a real doctor? Or perhaps a woman isn't good enough for him either.

HAWKE watches sadly as ANDERS exits the room.

HAWKE sticks out her hand for MERRILL to hand her the chart. HAWKE looks at it with confusion.

HAWKE

Where's the-oh, right there, next to that butterfly, perfect.

[canned laugh track]

INT-Makeshift Chapel in a tent

SEBASTIAN is dressed in black robes with a white collar. He is in front of the pulpit, his book of the Chant in front of him.

SEBASTIAN

And that is why, children, Chartan knew that it was better to share the bread among all of the people.

PAN TO the obviously empty congregation.

[canned laugh track]

PAN BACK to SEBASTIAN

SEBASTIAN sighs and picks up his loaf of bread.

SEBASTIAN

Well, more for me, I guess.

[canned laugh track]

VARRIC enters.

VARRIC

Padre, are you busy right now?

SEBASTIAN

Well, I always try to make time despite how persistent my flock is for my attention.

[canned laugh track]

VARRIC

I need advice. One of the patients we have is to be transferred to our unit and he seems to have a problem with one of our surgeons.

SEBASTIAN

The apostate?

VARRIC

Bingo. Anders is pissed off and the kid won't talk to anyone.

SEBASTIAN

I'm hardly the man to talk the mage down.

VARRIC

Go talk to the Lieutenant. You work with people whose lifestyle you don't agree with. Maybe you can make him see reason. He's a good fighter, I'd hate to lose him.

SEBASTIAN

You could always get Anders transferred…preferably to the front lines

[canned laugh track]

VARRIC

Now, now. Remember, we're a team here. Now be a good Padre and make your flock get along together, or maybe you'll be seeing a bit more action yourself.

[canned laugh track]

EXT-CAMP

HAWKE and ANDERS are playing golf, hitting balls into the minefield nearby them.

ANDERS takes a swing, the ball landing off into the grass.

ANDERS

The nerve of this man. We're fellow countrymen. Who cares if I was blue skinned and piss rainbows, we're supposed to fight together.

[canned laugh track]

HAWKE

Do you?

[canned laugh track]

ANDERS glances over at her and raises an eyebrow

[canned laugh track]

FENRIS enters from the right. ANDERS frowns at him.

FENRIS

Ma-Captain, I want to apologize for my behavior earlier. I have not had much pleasant experience with your kind. Thank you for your help. You are…an exception among your people.

ANDERS

….Thank you, Lieutenant. I appreciate-

FENRIS walks off.

ANDERS

I'll be glad if I never seen that tosser again in my life.

HAWKE

Anders, he's being transferred to our unit.

ANDERS

Oh, son of a-

[End Credit Music]


End file.
